This will be a massive experiment in guest writing… my friend Scott Rader has agreed to test the waters. Any hatred caused by the following should be aimed directly at him. -ed.

So, I guess the first order of business, as is anyone’s first order of business when starting something new, is to introduce myself. But as we are not meeting in person and I have yet to perfect my teleporting skills(I’m now up to 5 feet teleportation distance and hope to be up to 20 by Christmas), I have come with this brief script. You and one of your friends should each take on one of the parts and perform it as realistically as possible. This will be basically like meeting me.

Ext. Scene – Wherever you are, preferably outside, as this is an outside scene.
Scott Rader and new friend are standing outside, somewhere like a public park or a bus stop.
New Friend
Hey my name is (insert name.) I work as a (insert job.)
Scott Rader
(wryly)
That’s absolutely the most interesting thing I have ever heard, I used to work in that industry also. What a coincidence.
New Friend
I guess it is a coincidence.
Scott Rader
Well, my name is Scott Rader. I am from Hays, Kansas where I work as a librarian/unicorn hunter.
New Friend
Excuse me . . . unicorn hunter?
Scott Rader
Of course. Most people view unicorns as magical, mythical creatures. That is a false assumption. They are a horrible beast only fit for consumption.
New Friend
But I heard if you saw a unicorn you became rich and earned all sorts of good luck.
Scott Rader
That’s what the Better Unicorn Public Image Society wants you to believe. Actually, their meat offers many nutrients unavailable from other meats such as chicken or deer. For instance, unicorn meat can prolong your life indefinitely.
New Friend
Indefinitely. Like forever?
Scott Rader
(wryly)
Yes, the smoky, full flavor of unicorn meat will allow you to live forever.
New Friend
Is it a hard job?
Scott Rader
No. But it doesn’t pay the bills. I suggest keeping your current job.
BLACKOUT. THE END.

Scott Rader is also an aspiring playwright.

Anyway. This is a blog about my week. This is my week.

MONDAY
Last week someone gave my wife and I a peace lily. They told us we only needed to water it when it stated to droop and it didn’t need direct sunlight. Well, it started to droop so we added water, but it still died.
They say: Time + Tragedy=Comedy.
However, it’s only been a few days since the peace lily died. So to deal with the pain, I’ve been drinking a lot. You know, carrying around a 44 oz. Kwik Shop cup (imagine a big gulp only more pleasingly designed) filled with Long Island Ice Tea. Yeah, depression and alcoholism may be a downer, but my recipe for Scott’s Long Island Ice Tea is a cure for both.

Scott’s Long Island Ice Tea

Ingredients:

Vodka
Ice
Cocktail Umbrella

Directions:

1. Pour 44 oz of vodka into a 44 oz cup.
2. Drink 22 oz.
3. Add ice.
4. Top with vodka.
5. Add umbrella.
6. Enjoy.

Note: Scott Rader does not recommend drinking alcohol as a solution for anything.

TUESDAY
Tuesdays are generally marred by boredom. These are the days in which I try to create a new board game.
This weeks board game is called, “The Whacky, Whacky Race of Races Against the Clock.”
The rules of this game are fairly simple, although it does require a little work before hand.
First find a game board, any game board will work. Paste 6-9 squares of blank paper on the board, that aren’t actually blank. They should read, “Draw a Card.”
Next make a deck of cards that read things like, “Move back one space,” “Roll the die four times without pause.” “Go Back to Start.” “Move Forward one space,” make multiples of these and add some of your own.
Now find an egg timer and set it for 2 minutes. Everyone choose a playing piece, the more players the better. Now, start the timer. Grab the die and move your piece. USE ONE DIE ONLY. Once it hits the board it is free game, GRAB IT. If you land on a draw a card space, draw a card, follow the directions. Try to be the first to get all the way around the board in under 2 minutes.
Good luck!

WEDNESDAY
As I mentioned before, I am a librarian. This is an actual fact! Some people think that the life of a librarian would be infinitely interesting. Those people would be what some like to refer to as, “Absolutely Correct!”
Basically being a librarian is like being an adventurer. Every day exists as a new adventure. And not in some cliche way. No, like, actual adventures.
Here is a list of adventures I have personally participated in while being a librarian:

1. Basement zombie hunting
2. Vine swinging
3. Discovering the Lost Idol of Zamieyara
4. Moving the Dan Brown books to a super secret hiding space

Those are just a few of my best examples. Wednesday I had a new library adventure that basically consisted of me locating and training a big red dog for a Children’s Department activity. Unfortunately, he ate one of the staff members and had to be put down. The staff dealt with this by making Scott’s Long Island Iced Teas.

Thursday
Thursday was actually quite a busy day. First, my brother called me because he was going horse shopping. This is comparable to car shopping, except that you are shopping for horses.
He picked out a large, brown appaloosa named Gustav. This particular horse, however, happened to be the meanest appaloosa ever set loose upon society. I don’t even know why my brother picked him. First of all, he was biting and kicking other horses and then after they ran away he would kick his front legs up like he was a champion. Then to make matters worse his name was Gustav, which is like the meanest name ever. Gustav means Stave of the Goths. That is just creepy and awful and mean and, like, how do I put this, weird!
So, anyway, my brother is kind of a miracle worker when it comes to horses, kind of like Robert Redford. Well, except, instead of whispering to the horses, my brother shouts obscenities and then punches them square in the mouth. It’s actually pretty badass. There’s a new saying in town, “Don’t you effing eff with the effing horse shouter!” It’s a catchphrase, use it!
And after just a few days, Antonio Banderas (that’s my brother’s real, actual name) has noticed a marked improvement in gas mileage.
Also, I watched The Office in Russian with English subtitles with my comrades on the International Space Station, but, that’s pretty normal stuff. No big deal.

Friday
Tried to come up with my own chat language, came up with LOL, found out that’s not new, and promptly gave up.

Saturday
This was the date of my Fourth Annual Scott Rader’s Championship to Find the Champion of Winning. This is a day of activities designed to see who the best at winning is. At the end of day, for the fourth year straight, Scott Rader was crowned Scott Rader’s Championship Champion of Winning.
This was a great honor for me and I wept at the award ceremony. Spectators said it was my greatest victory to date and that they looked forward to future victories from me. This made me cry again.

Sunday
Well, two things happened. I watched the Pittsburgh Steelers lose to the Arizona Cardinals. This was disappointing as I am a Steelers fan, but it is only the fourth week. I will get over it.
Second, I went temporarily cross-eyed. This is hardly a laughing matter as my fifth greatest fear in life is going cross-eyed. Some may consider it a little vain to have this so high on my list of lifely concerns, but, nonetheless it is my life, so I may choose whatever I like. The spell with me going cross-eyed ended thirty seconds after it began, still, talk about crisis.

Well, dang, how does one end these things and not sound lame.
Well, I’ll try this . . . see you in 604800 seconds, friends(?).