With last year’s Halloween a complete flop, I decided to actually put forth some effort this time. Pumpkins were purchased, terribly overpriced candy was thrown in the shopping cart and soon it was 4pm on October 31st. I started carving the two smaller pumpkins, thinking that they’d be quick and easy. Not so! These little bastards may look cute and fun, but they’re a complete bitch to slice into. Some blame could probably be placed on my garage-sale knives, too.

After mangling those two, I started on the large pumpkin. This was easy to slice, but I was already tired of the dumb faces I gave the smaller siblings. So I slapped my hand on the pumpkin, carved out a hand and called it good. A couple of candles inside and I had myself a few relatively decent looking jack-o-lanterns.

Only 18 kids showed at the door, hours upon hours of work just for a dozen scared kiddos. The next day I found the faceless pumpkins on my front porch, teeth missing and more. Squirrels, those cute creatures that everyone adores, squirrels had demolished my pumpkins. I hope they tasted fantastic. Happy Halloween!