Since I tortured so many of you via emails and instant messages with this task, I figure it’s time to relive the whole nightmare all over again.

Take a sheet of paper and place it on your desk. Insert writing utensil into hand (properly, please) and crap out three sentences that describe your entire being. Begin… NOW.

Adam is a staff photographer from Wichita, Kan. He is a kind and gentle man, a hard worker who always gives 110 percent and then 10 percent more. He also reads and writes. Adam can be reached at…

Adam is a staff photographer, proficient reader and man of great height (over 6-feet, even!) After a brief 22-year stint in Wichita, Kan., he’s now living and working in a city that reminds him a little too much of home. Adam can be reached at…

Adam takes photographs, reads consummately and enjoys apartments with wood floors and lead paint. He can be reached at …

Alright, pencils down. Let’s see what you’ve accomplished. The first one is snarky and, frankly, a complete lie. “A real sonofabitch” is what should be crammed in there somewhere. Second one, just too wordy. Sure, you’ve given a few more relevant details, but we (the eds) really don’t care if you’re midget or Waldo.

So I guess we’re left with the third one. Simple, barely over one sentence, and still throws in a healthy dash of quirkiness for the ladies. 

I ended up being axed entirely from the bio section of the magazine. Fitting.

A Writer by Any Other Name from The Morning News. “Already, I’ve spent longer writing the bio than I did writing the article it is supposed to sit alongside. I must never admit this in public. Imagine the ridicule.”