LEAVES & BEANS, PEORIA HEIGHTS  –  The man across from me is a lawyer, I believe. He just simply has lawyerly looks. Patrick Bateman in the flesh, with his pressed suit and perfect fingernails. Or Andy Bernard from The Office.

I’m undecided whether this is a date or an interview. If this is a date, I don’t want to date anymore.

“I don’t know if you know anything about history, but…”

Interrogation-style questioning from the man, while the woman flips her curly hair a bit and giggles. She’s not stupid, though, just uncomfortable. There are white Keds on her feet, the rest of her blending into the shadows.

Odd topics are brought up; drinking and religious beliefs. “I usually drink one night a week,” he says. Religion is silly, both agree. He attempts relating to her, a Red Lobster employee. “When I worked at Jimmy John’s….”

There’s too much past being introduced into the conversation. He’s post-frat, I suppose, for I keep hearing “I respect…” in the conversation. Most stories revolve around the success of his other friends. And, of course, him.

“Most girls would be impressed by this….” I’m now thinking that this is a date. My god. An interrodate.

She’s 24. And looking to move to New York. “They’ll start wondering why you’ve been a waitress for three years!” he exclaims.

He’s using a voice that sounds like an Irishman underwater. This is his mom voice, I believe. It goes on far too long.

“Have you had enough conversation?” he finally asks. She mutters something, and after an hour of painful companionship, they are gone.