Greetings, Starfighter! You are watching The Last Starfighter, a movie you last saw in 1984 while wearing very short shorts. Did you know that there’s a connection with The Music Man? You don’t care? Then let’s talk about the elephant in the room – the 100th episode of Movie Night. We’re going out to the cinema and there is much planning to do. So let’s talk bananas instead. One member of our group abhors them (bananas!) while another eats three a day (also bananas!) This, is my Wife-oid, and six thousand little grig-lets.
We finally pick a sequel without watching the original movie! F/X 2 gives us men in breast prosthetics, robot clowns and hot dogs in tennis ball cannons. Yes, you guessed right – it’s great 1990s fun. After a brief digression about clown songs, we turn our full attention to the demise of the mall. Did you know that you can’t get hot nuts just any time of year? Rollie you dumb bastard, the mob wasn’t stealing them; they were returning them to the Vatican.
No animals were harmed in the making of this podcast. How this relates to Her is difficult to understand, but every episode must have a beginning. This film unearths surprising annoyance among some in our group. Too twee? Maybe. Too shallow? Perhaps. We finally debate gifts from previous romantic partners while a certain noisy stomach ruins the mood. You’re dating an OS? What is that like?
We join the bad boys of Japan in Kurahara’s The Warped Ones. And girl – who spends many, many minutes using her grating laugh as an effective weapon. But we enjoy the cinematography, which is decades more modern than this film’s 1960’s origin. Imagine a window open at night. There’s a horrible scream. What do you do? Only guys who can’t appreciate jazz get into fights.
“I don’t feel like talking.” Yes, it’s the perfect intro for our podcast. We all seem to agree that Spike Lee laid an egg with Da Sweet Blood of Jesus. It’s a sucky vampire movie – get it?! We discuss the finer points of bleeding. Our quieter member casually mentions that she’s watched movies at 1.5x speed, which is truly bananas. Someday we’ll rise up against our soft drink overlords, but not yet. Good luck at the robotic soda fountain, listener! It’s a lovely day.
Who’s ready to pound a ‘nog? The holidays may be over, but the spirit never dies. We blast Joan Baez and keep our gaze locked on the crazy eyes of Bruce Dern in Silent Running. Sing along with us: Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum. A big hello to the sheriff, who is probably, most certainly (not) a listener. Something about cantaloupes being rolled out of a moving car causes them to explode? You are NOT using those things in my forest.
Ahh! We almost have a medical emergency on our hands within the first 3 seconds. But what a start to the episode! They Live, right? Speaking of living, did anyone else learn to tie a necktie in their high school gym class? Anyone? This seems insane, but the topic of boots comes up AGAIN. Brother, life’s a bitch… and she’s back in heat.
We welcome a guest on this episode – hello to Matt from Spain! Ready to dogfood this podcast? Starred Up is frankly one of the best prison dramas. The thick across-the-pond accents may tempt you to flip on subtitles, but please resist. What’s prison like, anyway? In this case, your private/delicate/beautiful/special parts may be in danger. We bring up a million other movies at random and settle in for a bit of grilling shop talk. Oi!
By this time, you’ve shredded through the defenseless wrapping paper, watched only the endings to the same three holiday movies, devoured food items that you don’t even allow into your own home and forgotten anything of a normal existence.
And I’m sprawled before the fireplace (not like that!), trying to make a midnight deadline.
Many of you are far more disciplined than I, opting to spend the time and money to carefully craft a report of the previous year with a nicely framed photo. You have mailing addresses ready and one of those tree-shaped holders for the pile of cards you get in return. They’re called Christmas cards?
So come with me to January 2014, when the snow was deep and I found myself at the seat of a pipe organ. I’d been a substitute organist at St. Mary’s Cathedral in Peoria, Ill. for a few months, but each gig came with the fury of Mother Nature. A tornado. A blizzard. This didn’t help performance nerves. My last remaining grandparent, Grandma Hemken, also died at age 87.
February. I keep my personal life fairly private (despite this dumb blog’s history of the opposite), but I officially started dating my longtime friend Katie. She’s made me less selfish, humored my strange tendencies and just made life better. If I’m willing to throw cliches around, you must know that this is love.
Daylight Savings Time came in March. So did a trip to Milwaukee. Whatta town! Their art museum and food scene made it a new favorite city for both of us. Time itself skipped directly to June, when my parents, sister and her husband and my niece came to Peoria. My brother wasn’t able to join us, but we tried to play tour guide the best we could and hope they’ll soon be back.
July. I finally saw “Jaws” on the big screen. My substitute organist career takes a new turn when I traded the ornate cathedral for the tiny farm town of Chenoa, Ill. A trip to Indianapolis for my birthday was a mostly a disappointment, except for a great restaurant themed in Kurt Vonnegut. And I took Katie home to Wichita to meet the family – during a family reunion, no less.
I packed my bags and attended my first “big deal” work conference in September. ONA14 was in Chicago, so it felt like attending a class reunion where everything is familiar yet the social stakes are higher than they ever were before. My brother Nick also made the trip.
October was a big month. Katie ran her first marathon in Chicago, while I galloped about trying to see her on the race route. I was 66% successful, while she was 100%. We also made the trek to northern Michigan for the fall foliage, which were drenched in rain most of the week yet still very beautiful. It was Katie’s first time on Mackinac Island, where automobiles are banned and horses are encouraged to poop with abandon.
And that brings us to December. Because Katie had to work the week of Christmas, we took a long weekend up to Chicago. We watched ice skaters (sadly, the line was too long for us to actually skate), shopped at the gigantic Macy’s store, drank mulled wine at the Christkindlmarket and reveled in the spirit of the season. It’s a new tradition that we hope to continue.
That leaves several routine things unsaid. I continued my role as digital editor of the Journal Star, while Katie received a promotion to assistant universal desk editor. We’re both still learning to leave work at work. Not every ounce of fun was documented, so know that we did have many good days off together in the company of friends.
So allow me to spill a cup of eggnog and wish you a wonderful Christmas (if indeed you participate) and/or a hopeful new year (we’ll all be in this together, God willing.)
Leave a note and let me know how you’re doing? I have officially entered full adulthood with this letter.
(Editor’s note: He cheated and fudged the publication time by 30 minutes 13 hours.)
I’m like many film aficionados who appreciate Turner Classic Movies not only for the commercial-free, broad programming, but also for affable host Robert Osborne. This recent profile in The New York Times sums it up perfectly.
So does this text exchange at 12:30 a.m. between a man visiting Wichita and a woman living in Peoria. I’m in blue, while Katie is wearing grey quite nicely: